miracle mindset

miracles.  metaphysical myth or fact of life?  either way the idea of miracles has been on my mind as of late.  which led me to reading books by and watching videos of gabrielle bernstein.  a fast-paced, nyc marketing exec. with a serious addiction to cocaine who drastically transformed her life through her learnings attained while studying and applying the “course on miracles”.

there is no point in denying that miracles occur.  you think of someone and suddenly they call, you’re desperate for cash and a cheque comes in the mail.  miracles happen.  but how often they happen is determined by the degree to which we are open to them/the amount of hope we have in the fantastic/the level to which we think we are worthy.

as i’m finding…miracles do not come easy.  i can look back over my life and see many times where miraculous things have taken place in one area of my life or another…but never in all areas at once.  i have always had blindspots in various areas of my life…when my work life has been miraculous – my love life has not…when my health has been in tiptop form – my finances have suffered…there have always been a few niggling doubts in all areas of my life that have sabotaged my miracle mind.  but what is great is that…slowly but surely…i am beginning to see these negative, doubtful, limiting thoughts and squash them…thank god!!!  i’m beginning to be honest with where i’m at, what i need to let go of, what i want and what i need to do to get there.

in order for us to be open to miracles it takes a lot of work…we need to reprogram ourselves.  we need to transform our naturally fearful mind to one that believes in love, oneness, hope, peace…and above all we must acknowledge that all of these amazing things are natural and that we deserve to have them in our lives.  today i look back at the wild roller coaster of a year that i’ve had and it’s amazing because reading through bernstein’s book “add more ~ing to your life” she pretty well describes my process as the necessary steps we need to take in order to clear up our shit and create a pathway for miracles.  i’m formulating my path to the miraculous…and it looks a little something like this…

1) get real…this was a milestone for me.  i came to the lowest point i have ever been in.  i was staying in, avoiding people, spiralling downwards, not working out, not laughing, living in a “woe is me” mindset and finally…i snapped.  i wrote down absolutely everything in my life that was not working and…i started to laugh!  it was empowering to know that everything that was happening in my life was done by me.  when you take all the blame it suddenly lightens the load because if you can build it…you can tear it down.  all of my bullshit suddenly became just that…bullshit…and…the bullshit doesn’t mean anything…it doesn’t define me and it is absolutely 100% changeable.  whoa!

2) forgive…now that i had defined every area of my life that i had created and were absolute crap…i had to begin the process of forgiving.  forgive others…ofcourse.  but the tricky one is…forgive yourself.  and not just for some things…for everything.  know that you did your best, you messed things up, you were really shit sometimes, but it’s ok.  genuinely say you’re sorry and allow yourself to let go of all that stuff you were and everything you did so that you can move on and be free from guilt/shame/feelings of unworthiness.

3) do the work…no surprise here…anything worth having is worth working your ass off for.  so here we go…the past is the past…yup…got it…but that doesn’t mean the past is behind us yet.  when i initially started on this road i thought i could hop, skip and jump over all the crap from my past and start fresh with no hard work…adapt the yogic lifestyle and boom…i’m transformed overnight…damn i’m good!!  oh, how i was wrong!!!  nothing that has been worked deeply into our way of being is dropped overnight…if you’ve been living this way for 31 years (for example…)…chances are it’ll take a while to retrain.  for me this is involving some huge realizations about my emotional awareness and is seeing me adopt new ways of thinking/ eating/ talking/ spending/ exercising/ meditating…yup…basically a whole life overhaul.  ha!  it’s funny to me that i let shit get so frikken crazy!  but as pema chodron says…start where you’re at and if it’s stinky and ugly and scary then it’s a really juicy, exciting place to dive into.  my advice…don’t be afraid of the shit…trust me…the scariest thing is stepping off the ledge…but once you dive in and begin the work…you realize it’s do-able…and more than that you wonder why you were so scared and why it took you so long to tackle these deep rooted fears.  the only thing that comes from digging up and facing your inner muck is a blissful happiness.  a joy that is every being’s birthright.  it’s down there…trust me…so keep digging.  you’ll know when you’ve hit it…there’ll be tears…there’ll be resistance…there’ll be a multitude of emotion and disbelief but don’t give up…the empowering, limitless happiness that is underneath it is a feeling like no other.

4) dream big and allow the miracles to flow…now the work is being done…you are aware of your b.s., you recognize your blindspots, and you’re working on living your truth everyday to let go of old dogma that is not serving you.  this in itself is enough work for a lifetime…and yet…there’s a couple more steps…stay with me because the silver lining is just over the horizon.  after you start to tackle your fear it’s time to set your mind in the open, spacious, exhilarating, all-inclusive filters of love and gratitude.  this mindset opens our eyes to the absolutely amazing world we live in.  when we filter all of our thoughts so that our mind is filled with love and gratitude we live in the moment.  there is no longer any space for self-doubt, judgement, negativity…these things no longer enter our psyche.  loving-gratitude fills us with boundless energy…we see the best in every situation, in ourselves and in others.  with this loving gratitude comes the awareness that we are worthy.  we are worthy of greatness.  we are worthy of happiness.  we are worthy of a job that we adore, financial freedom, a body that we love, relationships that are unconditionally loving…we are worthy of things we can’t even begin to conceive because they are beyond our wildest dreams.  while in this mindset it is time to start believing that we can have this life…furthermore…it is time to expect it every single day.  know when you walk out the door miraculous things are going to happen that will open you up to a life that is full of bliss.  the tricky thing here (which is why the first steps are so crucial) is that you must be living your truth…you must be completely in touch with your inner guide because miracles come to you in all shapes and forms whether you’re ready or not.  as long as you are open…they will find you.  if you don’t know what is in your heart, if you are out of touch with your deepest self but you are open…you will be guided into a life that is not inline with your deepest desires and will most definitely hit a dead-end (i speak from experience).  flushing out blindspots and doing hard work to get inline with essence is an incredibly important step along the pathway to living your ultimate life.

so to recap…we’ve acknowledged our shit, we’ve forgiven ourselves for being so ridiculous, we’ve worked on ironing out our crap, we are in touch with our deepest desires and are open to miracles, we’ve done the prep and now we are shouting to the heavens “show me what you got…i’m ready!!” and the miracles are frikken flowing…last piece in the puzzle…??

5) acceptance…accept every miracle (no matter how small).  take it all in and know that you are entitled to an absolutely amazing, fun-filled, blissful life that is beyond your wildest dreams.  allow yourself to get everything you deserve and more.  accept that hey…it can happen to me…because it can happen to anyone!  believe.  believe in ourselves, believe in our dreams and know that miracles abound we just need to get out of our way long enough to accept them.

if this wasn’t inspired enough to get you on the miracle path…check out this clip by gabby called expect miracles…much love – a

a true spiritual master

this morning i woke up and was super pumped because had the most amazing colourful dreams last night (yoga on neon mats, sailing on an azure sea, cycling with great speed over roller coaster streets filled with lights) they were awesome!!  and it made me realize that for the past few months i haven’t remembered many dreams, and those that i could recall were mostly colourless.  not much fun…this gives me pause for reflection on the importance of fun and leading a truly colourful life.  so…we’re here…i get it…we’re spiritual beings experiencing a human life…yup i get that too…and i further understand that establishing a devoted practice, leading a balanced, disciplined life, and tapping into our natural intuition by taking away external addiction and stimuli are all truly noble things to be working on and require a lot of earnest effort.  i am truly committed to this path and to learning more about stripping myself bare to understand my essence…….but what i was missing/had left behind me as i chose “the spiritual path” was the importance of absolutely loving the world that we have been put into.

i had wrongly assumed that diving into my spirituality meant that i had to leave all of my “old fun” behind and had to find new ways to enjoy life…..but what i’m realizing is that by delving into myself i was wrongly shutting out the world and all of the joy that i used to get from it……and how absolutely beautiful is this life??!!  people of all shapes and sizes, flowers of all colours and smells, rugged nature in varying levels of grandeur, food prepared a million different ways with smells and tastes catered purely for our enjoyment, art, dance, music, puppies, baths, juicers, billions of little joys abounding every single day, hundreds in a moment and all laid out just for us to revel in.

a true spiritual master (to me) is someone who is so tapped into the onethat they don’t have to worry about struggling to search for answers anymore, their innate bliss is filling their cup so that they are bursting with love and joy…when this spiritual master walks in this beautiful world, they know they are blessed to be in this place and they are free…..free to enjoy all the beauty and colour that life has to offer….their enjoyment differs from millions of others because they are not merely consuming all the world has in a grasping effort to fill their empty souls…..rather, they are taking it all in with a joyful, gracious ease….their smile remains the whole day through because they know that this incredibly vivid life in all of it’s splendour is providing an insatiably, decadent frosting on top of their already well-founded, absolutely perfect cake.

the missing ingredient…

love yourself.  i know this sounds cliché and a lot of you are probably saying to yourselves “yeah yeah…i love myself…” but i challenge you to stop and really think about it (and i don’t mean this in the obsessive, narcissistic way…i mean this in the way a mother loves her child…) do you actually love yourself?  today i had a massive shift when comprehending this idea of loving myself.  a friend suggested i think of it as though i am dating myself.  and…what i’m realizing is that if i were in a relationship with myself there is no way i would put up with the way i have been acting towards/treating myself…i would kick myself to the curb and all my girlfriends would say “right on sistah” and then we’d probably all go out for girly drinks and scour the city for a new love that would treat me right.  so i challenge you (like i have challenged myself) to take some serious time and think about this…if you were in a relationship with yourself would it be nurturing, would you feel valued, would you enjoy the way you talk to/about yourself, would you feel worshipped like the god/goddess that you are…do you treat yourself, do you wake up every morning to give yourself a warm embrace and say “i love you”, do you care about your well-being, do you worship your beautiful body and intelligent mind, are you proud of your achievements?

after really taking on this idea of self-love i can see plain as day that i’ve been a bad lover.  i’ve been talking badly about myself, not feeding myself nourishing meals, not taking time to pamper/care for myself, not making myself smile/laugh, forcing myself to do things i’m just not that into…i’ve been a right jerk to myself.  but…like any loyal lover…i am committed and i know/have faith that i can change.  i am seeing a glimmer of that love that was lost and it is giving me hope…i now see what it’s going to take to win my love back and although it may be a long road before i can fully trust myself and this newfound awareness of self-love…i am making a promise to act more loving towards myself everyday (because we all know talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words).  tomorrow i will wake up, look in the mirror and smile with the knowledge that when i walk out that door i am the only one in the whole world that looks like me and that is something special…i’m going to buy myself some flowers, feed myself nourishing food that will bring a smile to my face and nurture myself the way only a person in love can do.

heart tribe

so…whats up in the world of the papillon?  well…this past weekend i was initiated into a heart tribe…and…taught yoga to an amazing group of women…i come back to the real world well-fueled and with some beautiful lessons learned.

allow me to explain myself a little further.  a while back i met with an amazing woman and did some self-regulation work and left feeling extremely inspired and wowed by the knowledge this woman embodied.  as fate would have it this past weekend she needed a yoga teacher for her shaman retreat and i was extremely curious to get a peek inside this discipline of ancient wisdom.

after a full-on weekend of journeying, chanting, drumming and ritual…words fall short.  i am sure that over the next few months all of this learning will begin sinking into my soul…for today i feel much gratitude and these are the main lessons i am reflecting on

(1) fuel from the source…this realization came while teaching yoga…my first day was slightly nerve racking…but as we were learning in our shamanic studies…i embodied the warrior and made myself completely present. as the students began to filter in i felt my nerves kick in and my shadow-self/ego-self began speaking “what if the class i present doesn’t flow well…will they be able to sense my lack of experience”…and out of nowhere i heard another voice…one that said “give them your love” and that’s what i did…with every direction i “gave them my love” i placed all focus on being of service to my students and allowing myself to be a vessel for the teachings and the love to flow through…and it turned out great…i had such a blast!  and i’m now realizing the difference between classes i’ve taught where i leave feeling depleted and inadequate versus classes i teach and leave feeling recharged.  it has to do largely with where i am getting my energy from and what my intention is…when i fuel myself by connecting to my inner guide i am able to leave my ego at the door and lead a class that is authentic and loving.  connecting to source allows us to live in a place of empathy and enables us to teach from a place of genuine compassion.  i feel so privileged to have these amazing teachings passed on to me and learning how to share them in a way that is fuelled by love is absolutely incredible.  (artist: skye morrison)

(2) our pain is our medicine…this beautiful realization was shared by one of the members of our heart tribe and it really struck a chord.  so often we try to run from any situation that is uncomfortable, we bottle up any emotion that causes us grief, we anxiously try to fill any holes we feel in our soul…and where does this leave us?  lost, confused, sad, angry, desperate.  the most empowering thing to realize and appreciate is that the pain we feel may be with us our whole lives…but this is not a reason for us to feel down…when we truly understand our dark side…it becomes reason for us to celebrate because it shows us our path to freedom, light, love, true bliss…when harnessed and fully appreciated, our pain becomes a gateway to liberation.

(3) rejoice in the beautifully mundane…now this is something i feel i lost as a result of my yoga teacher training (although i’m sure this was not the intention of my teachers) and am now starting to appreciate once again.  life is not always going to be deep and meaningful.  it is not always going to be filled with beauty.  but these times when life becomes mundane (ex…doing the laundry, flossing our teeth, taking transit) can be appreciated because they give us a break from the sometimes heavy path of spiritual growth.  and they are filled with lots of wonderful aspects (my laundry soap is lavender and it smells so freakin’ good, to floss my teeth i use these pluckers that make flossing so easy…its awesome, for the majority of my transit ride i have a view of the mountains – sometimes i catch a magnificent crimson sunrise) rejoicing in the mundane helps to make our daily existence more joyful and for me…this comes as a breath of fresh air.

(4) love mother earth…a common thread throughout the weekend was verbalizing an appreciation for mother earth.  i hugged trees, made offerings to rivers, kissed flowers, whispered wishes into rocks.  and all of it felt really darn good.  the love i gave was long overdue and is something i will continue to incorporate into my life.  it reminded me of the book anastacia (if you’ve read it you know what i’m talking about).  the shamans know that the earth that holds us is something quite spectacular.  it provides us with so many gifts and they acknowledge this through so many heart-touching ceremonies.  and…how often have i thanked her…not nearly enough…it’s time to start reciprocating the love a little more frequently.

(5) the importance of having a heart tribe…holy…the sharing and love that was weaved over this weekend helped to remind me of human’s incredible capacity to love and be loved.  it was both amazing and encouraging to see that a group of women spanning a range of 4 decades could attain such a deep connection so quickly.  i am honoured to be a part of something filled with so much heart and i’m looking forward to learning and growing more as the modules continue throughout this year…stay tuned…

new look. new outlook.

#1. the blog got a facelift #2. today was absolutely beautiful! #3. days like today bring me back to what’s really important.  seeing the divine in every step.  this morning began with a half hour of meditation.  is it possible that i manifested not getting called into work today?  i can’t be sure…but i am sure that i needed this day.  walking around our beautiful city blissfully kissed by the suns rays it is impossible not to express gratitude.  local markets around the corner with all sorts of foodie treasures.  minimalist coffee shops in quaint neighbourhoods (marché st. george).  amazing yoga within a room of devoted like-minded individuals (one yoga).  trying out recipes from thrive (walnut/flax veggie burger…message me if you want the recipe) while listening to afro-beat on jango.  today it was easy to see the incredible.

free from addiction…free to be me…

had a beautiful day today that allowed for me to have a lot of reflection over the ways in which i was living life, how they have prepared me for where i am at, how now is so very different from where i have been and how i can never go back to the way things were.  looking back over my adult life i can chunk it into various phases…each of these chunks of time are unique in their own right and have all taught me something valuable.

i experienced unconditional love and although i wasn’t ready for commitment at the time, the love of that man is remembered today and provides me with an awareness of what it means to unconditionally love and completely accept another being exactly as they are.  through travel i experimented with ways of being, experienced people from all walks of life and learned that i can make it anywhere.  for the past few years i pushed the boundaries of my physical prowess and saw that in terms of physicality there are no limits to what can be achieved with the right mental clarity.  this past year has seen a lot of change and i am now entering into an extremely exciting phase of mental awareness and am beginning to cultivate a foundation for a way of life that is truly inline with my essence.

i look back over all of the ways i have been over the years and the thing that separates today’s world from the worlds of yesterday is that i know that i am now constructing a way of being in this world that i want to maintain for the rest of my life.  and the biggest difference is that it is free from all external addiction.  now let me get things clear first off…i have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol…but…i have realized lately that i was extremely addicted to being stimulated in other more “socially acceptable” (but still clutter-instilling, insulin-producing, harmful) ways.  i was addicted to the gym, i was addicted to obsessing about healthy food, i was addicted to coffee, i was addicted to fun, i was addicted to travel, i was addicted to planning and goals, i was addicted to anything that would keep me running at an extremely high level and distract me from the simplicity of just being me.  initially upon ridding myself of these addictions my whole being went into withdrawal…as any of you who have been following my blog can recall…my life was turned upside down because for the first time i was without distraction…i found myself taking a good look at me stripped-bare without any safety net and i became scared…who would i be without my travel, my busy plans, my workout regime, my morning coffee…who would i be when i allowed all of the external stimuli to calm down and i was only left with myself…would i be enough??

what i’m discovering is that when things are allowed to calm down, when i allow myself to maintain a level of stasis with my emotions, when i approach the world from a place that is not jacked up with distraction, but rather tuned in to subtleties…i experience life more fully and i am all that i need and more.  taking away all external addictions frees up space in our minds…it’s like those tv shows where families have been living in clutter their whole lives and are then forced to live in an empty home and completely lose their shit/find themselves.  initially it’s scary…but after a while…you begin to realize how beautiful it feels to be free.  free from clutter, free from addiction, free from the whirlings of the mind, free from shoulds and should nots, free to be.  the funny thing about freedom (like anything else) is that it is never truly appreciated unless you understand what it means to have been captive…and now that i am having glimpses of freedom in my day to day living – i know that i can never go back to the chains i had wrapped around myself…the expansive freedom that is available to us, once tasted, is like the sweetest nectar you have ever tasted and the best thing about it is…freedom is free and…(remarkably enough)…it comes to us when we are living a healthy, balanced, optimal, present life.

40 days of sadhana

i am taking part in a 40 days of sadhana challenge through one yoga saskatoon…and although ryan leier and the crew are in saskatoon i will be following along with his blog for the event and practicing in vancouver.  anyone who wants to join me…follow the instructions within this link.  along with the daily recommended sadhana of meditation, asana and reading…i am making an intention to remain committed throughout the entirety of this journey no matter how low or high my emotional/bodily state becomes. what am i giving up for the 40?  negative thought.  when any arise i will replace them with positive.  what am i pouring in for the 40? 1 x homemade juicer juice/day and lots of fresh water.  let the fun begin.