so it’s been a while since i’ve done any sort of writing but that doesn’t mean i haven’t been thinking…i suppose i was just waiting for something to hit me…some overwhelming need to expel words…and that moment came tonight. i went to see the movie adaptation of yann martel’s book life of pi...and cried…a lot…not because of any particularly sad narrative (although it was quite touching)…but because the spiritual lessons within this gem of a magically-woven story struck me to my core.
this past while i’ve been tip-toeing along the edge of a massive shift in life…knowing this change is imminent, i’ve been timidly dipping my toes to test the waters of this new proposition. approaching this change, i’ve been cautiously dipping my toes a little deeper each time and have slowly become acquainted with these new waters and am warming to the idea of drastic change. funny thing is…i have come to a point where there is no more testing to be done there is nowhere left to go…i can’t toe-dip anymore, i am fully aware of the temperature of the water below…the only option left is to dive in…head first, gripped with fear, knowing full well it’s a little nuts, but doing it anyways because hey…this is life and if you’re not in it…you’re out of it…life is unbiased as to whether or not you want to join in on the ride…it keeps on flowing with or without you so why not get a little wet, sometimes bruised, usually dirty with a shit-eating grin on your face.
as of late the world has presented me with an eerie amount of serendipitous events (as it tends to do) each pointing to the direction of this new beginning i’ve been speaking of…and while i’ve always been one to “go with the flow” (superficially) and “just do it” (with the gratification of appearing fearless via social media)…this time it’s been different because this change hasn’t been a surface level external change that can be praised by others…nope…this change has delved deep into my core and challenges me to let go of everything i’ve ever known. it has caused me to face my inner “richard parker” and it has not been pretty. i, like pi, have had the opportunity to go through many phases along the road to trying to face my demons…i’ve experienced a whole range of emotional responses: fear, suppression, doubt, anger, loneliness…i’ve utilized mind-tricks to try to outwit my opponent…i’ve implemented rigorous training regimens…all resulting in me coming right back around to where i started…as i’m now beginning to realize…we can fight and fight against this side of ourselves until we are mentally/physically/emotionally worn bare and when every trick has been tried, every option exhausted…the only thing left to do is surrender.
easy right? just let go. no problem. or so i thought (silly me).
because surrendering…has not been an easy task – i suppose that’s how it goes – and i’m sure the difficulty we experience in letting go is in direct proportion to how firmly we were grasping…i suppose i was clenching desperately to the “independent/successful/positive/never dull” version of myself…because letting these stories go has been brutal and at each crossroad i’ve had to face a whole shit-ton of fear, anger, doubt, fear and more fear (that i wasn’t even aware existed)
but…there is a silver lining…
as i’ve delved deeper and deeper into the abyss of my soul i’ve come to terms with my shadow and dare i say, grateful for this side of me…if you’ve seen life of pi there’s an amazing scene where pi and parker succumb to each other after fighting themselves to a state that is near-death…it is at this point that pi takes richard’s head and rests it on his lap…he shows compassion for richard parker and acknowledges that if it weren’t for parker he would not have survived this wild ride…pi finally accepts that they are experiencing this crazy ride together and for the first time sees parker as an integral part of his journey. i’m beginning to see that once we are brave enough to accept our flaws we grant ourselves peace…once we stop the unnecessary struggle, we graciously gift ourselves with the ultimate gift: freedom. after all…it’s not our job to fight in an attempt to control our surroundings…this notion is as comical as a goldfish wrestling with it’s life underwater…our job is simply to ride the wave.
simple/difficult, either way…letting go of the reigns, diving in and (last but not least) believing are the keys to unlocking joy that has been innately gifted to each of us. so enough tip-toeing around the notion of change, enough meek curiosity within the realm of possibility, enough doubting the bounty that is your life…let go and enjoy this miraculous life that you are living…because it is truly miraculous and it is happening exactly as it should…just believe.